Breaking News: I am unhappy.
A young woman who goes by various names, depending on how numb her mind is at that moment, is reportedly suffering from crippling depression. The reasons for her illness are unclear at this moment but experts are of the opinion that her madness began with a careless proclamation of non-emotion, that developed into a black spot in her heart, that slowly spread outward because of neglect, eventually damaging her whole system.
Twelve Reasons Why I Didn’t Leave My Bed This Morning: No. 9 Will Shock You!
Witnesses confirm that she has lost sense of time and place, and lays languid for hours on end, ignorant that the day has past. She assumes that night-time is a result of the aforementioned darkness leaking from her soul. What can we say? The Kids Are NOT Alright.
Today’s Top Story: Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
In a surprising twist to the ongoing saga of sadness in her life, an anonymous source has revealed that she is now facing paralysis (physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, social) due to an unfortunate incident earlier this year. This unfortunate incident was not just an event, but also — a person and more persons after. They all had the same, soft face and the same, cold eyes.
Read all about why everything sucks and nothing matters and how nobody cares, and how the right amount of existential nihilism can win you coolness brownie points that you can cash in for hours of meaningless conversation!
This Young Girl Used To Hate Herself. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!
We are now receiving reports that she has purchased some sort of ancient device in a last ditch attempt to cure herself. Experts call this device a ‘pen’. Unbelievable! This device seems to be helping with her recovery. A truly unexpected development in this thoroughly uninteresting case.
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Once again, the young girl whose descent into oblivion we were tracking across this 24/7, no sleep, no food, no life news cycle (sponsored by caffeine and capitalism) has fallen off the wagon. The pen-cure she purchased was deemed to be outdated for this economy. She tried other forms of pain medication but failed to account for addiction. Unfortunately, we’ve hit the point of no return.
In Memoriam of Who I Once Was, Before I Met You
Eternal rest grant unto my mind. I have wept your eyes out of mine. I have locked your secrets in a lair. Left your clothes neatly ironed on a chair. If this advanced obituary seems to rhyme, it’s unintentional, but it may make sense in time. What I’m trying but spectacularly failing to say is this — I readied myself, took aim at your heart and yet it was a miss. What an odd ending to a good piece, they’ll say, “Oh, no.” But I’ve already broken the fourth wall, curtain call, it’s been a great show. I didn’t realise how tiring it was to be me. But I aired my pain on a wall for all to see. I tried, I cried, I tried. And somewhere along the tears and fears, I died.
R.I.P. to my sanity. A tribute of love from no one.